Which Are We Modeling for Our Kids?

Part of my assignment as a University professor was coaching teachers in their classrooms. One day, while working with a kindergarten teacher, I overheard a most interesting conversation between two five-year-old girls playing “house.”  As I listened, I realized I actually had a window into their homes.

Apparently their “children” were crying because they wanted some candy. One “mother” scrunched up her face and wagged her finger angrily as she sternly told her “child” to stop crying or she would put her to bed right after dinner. The other kindergartener expressed understanding by saying to her “child,” “I know you want that candy now, honey, and it’s really hard to wait. We’re going to eat dinner first, and then we all can have some candy.” 

Notice the stark difference in the way these two girls talked to their “babies.”  And this difference shows the modeling of each family’s’ way of dealing with an issue. Sadly, the girl who was ordering and threatening is showing how the majority of people in our society attempt to solve problems. Very few of us know how to do what the second little girl was doing; showing empathy, describing expected behavior, and lovingly holding her “child” to that outcome.

 Most of us learned to deal with conflict by being authoritarian or the opposite extreme of giving in because this is what we saw modeled all around us: our parents, teachers, television, friends – just about everyone. Here are 4 familiar ways of dealing with conflict:

If you hit your sister again, you’ll be in time out.

                                                        (Warning & Threatening)

What kind of genius gets a grade that low! (Sarcasm)

That coach is a jerk. (Name calling & Judging)

Feed the dog right now! (Ordering)

Both methods — authoritarian and problem-solving — set the boundary, but in very different ways; one by issuing a threat, a warning, an order, etc. and one by expressing understanding and describing the expected behavior. 

Research shows that both parenting approaches can change the behavior, BUT which approach is the more successful model for teaching children how to interact positively with others? Which for cooperative problem solving? Which for developing responsible behavior? Which for developing more positive parent-child relationships? Which for promoting higher scores on standardized tests?  Which for a child’s development of higher self-confidence?

The answer is the same for each question. Problem-Solving skills produce all of the above outcomes — even promoting higher test scores.  Many years of strong research have shown that by listening, expressing empathy, describing the expected behavior, and holding children and adolescents to the expectations; parents and educators are actually modeling the skills for success.

copyright 2023, Judy Harmon Holmes